Forget the Llama, I Just Want A Basset Hound

By Bryan W. Fields

Mrs. Fields and I both like dogs, but we’ve never agreed on the breed to get.  I grew up with Basset hounds.  She wants a Shar-Pei, even though I think it looks like an ugly pit bull that ran into a wall and its skin kept going. 

            She thinks Bassets are stupid.  Well, okay, they are.  In fact, they’re the Mortimer Snerds of the dog world, but it’s that goofiness that makes them so loveable.  Some are a little stubborn, but housebreaking them is not that difficult.  A rolled-up newspaper will suffice, specifically the Sunday New York Times wrapped around a broom handle. 

            She had a Shar-Pei several years ago.  When she talks about that dog I’m okay until she gets to the part where he used to cook breakfast and wash the dishes after bringing in the morning paper without getting any drool on it.

I suggested maybe we compromise and get a Basset/Shar-Pei mix.  Aside from what horribly maimed creature might result, she reminded me that no self-respecting Shar-Pei would ever breed with a Basset. 

So instead of a dog, we have four rabbits, a white mouse, and five monkeys—no, wait—those are the children.  We’ve decided that we have neither the space nor the patience to break in a dog right now.  The rabbits totally agree with us.

Someday, however, I will own another Basset.  I know my wife will learn to love it.

But now she’s in love with alpacas.

She shows me pictures and gushes about how they’re the cutest creatures on the planet.  She’s right; they are—like little blow-dried marshmallow llamas.  So I did some homework on alpacas.

“The only investment you can hug,” said one breeder’s website.

Investment, hmmmm.  By the way, alpacas are fond of saying  hmmmmm. 

“1000% return on your investment in five years,” trumpeted another.

“Hmmmm,” I said again.  Cute, cuddly, low-maintenance, and lucrative.  Hmmmmm.  And their droppings are odorless.  Hmmmmm.

So I researched what we’d need to get a profitable herd started.  Five to eight animals, outbuildings, predator-proof fences, insurance, vet bills—total investment $90-100,000.  Oh, and I forgot to mention we’d need about ten acres in the country with a large house—add another 400 grand.  Hmmm?  Oh, yes, and a guard llama for the herd.

Say WHAT?

Yes, a guard llama.  Many alpaca breeders recommend having a llama or two to protect their little cousins.  Since your average llama, courageous or not, has the IQ of a boiled potato and would not fool any seasoned predator, a big strong dog to protect the guard llama is also in order.  Something like a Great Pyrenees, German shepherd, or maybe Lassie.

“A Shar-Pei,” she says.  “They’re natural herding dogs.”  Of course,  I should have known.  They can herd sheep, cows, children, Humvees, etc…they also keep the books and negotiate with the fiber co-ops at shearing time.

“Promise me one thing,” I tell her.  “If we’re ever rich enough to have an alpaca farm, you’ll let me spend a few hundred bucks for a Basset hound.”

“Deal,” she says.  “You can both sleep in the barn.”